


I Don't Want the World, I Want You

by GazeReiRu



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Eventual Smut, Good Friend Catarina Loss, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Lydia Branwell & Alec Lightwood Friendship, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Past Violence, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-06-13 05:38:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15357441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GazeReiRu/pseuds/GazeReiRu
Summary: Alec Lightwood has been through hell and back and no one to stand by his side. Having been accused of committing a crime he did not do without cause, he was stated mentally insane and sent to an asylum his siblings sent him to. Immediately Alec felt several things he could not quite explain, better yet his new therapist/owner of the institute had sparked a new found curiosity within his heart. On a side note, Alec hated men.





	1. Into the fire

**Author's Note:**

> This is the beginning of a new series I am hoping to stay true to. I will try to stay active and update at least once a month to every two weeks because I am passionate about this new series. I'm more so wondering about the feedback I'll get from starting this and if I should continue with it.

“Alexander Lightwood!” There was a man standing within the hallway door with several papers in his hands. Alec sat in one of the chairs that lined the wall of the hallway as he stared at the floor, his eyes holding a blankness to them before his head swerved up to take a good look at whomever had the audacity to call him by that name.

There were other people surrounding him possibly waiting for this man to yell their names like cattle being organized for impending doom.

Alec finally stood his full height before walking, more like shuffling, over to the man, who he just learned was Carl from the name tag on his doctors coat. Such a simple name for a pervert, he looked into the innocent eyes of Carl with a smile that did not reach his eyes. “Keep that filthy name from your mouth Carl, my name is Alec.”

The man seemed to be new because he flinched like he was about to be hit. “Alright...Alec...Lightwood.”

Said man smirked slightly and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Better. Now, Carl what can I do for you?”

“You should know why you’re here Alec.”

“Oh, but please remind me.” There was a dangerous look in Alec’s eyes as he stared down the offending man. It wasn’t like Alec really had wanted the man before him spouting out the reasons behind his being there but he did like to mess with people, in this case, Carl.

“You’re here because you are mentally ill and attempted to kill your mother and father by burning the house down.” Carl’s voice wavered as he looked down at Alec’s file. The police officers were tense and also stared at the situation ready to come in and stop an altercation at any moment.

Alec hummed with content and seemed to gain pleasure from hearing this newbie voice such a thing. “God, Carl you are so good at this.”

Alec would’ve gone on if it hadn’t been for the several people that seemed to notice what was conspiring and approached. Alec immediately looked at each of their name tags before putting faces to the names.

There were three doctors, two men and one woman, the one called Catarina had dark skin and looked fairly petite for an older woman. Raphael was the one with dark hair, who definitely looked like he could be a vampire, and Ragnor whom had brown messy hair, the man looked as if he appreciated manners and elegancy.

“What is going on here?” Ragnor said with an unamused voice.

Alec smiled proudly, while the danger in his eyes continued to cloud there. “Nothing much doc, just playing around with the newbie.”

Raphael looked even less amused than Ragnor and pushed the newbie beside. “Let’s get you inside, I’ll deal with you if you want to be such a smart ass.”

“Raphael, language.” Catarina remarked as the man tried to reach out and grab him.

Alec had always been better with female touches rather than a mans so when he felt skin against his he froze up and began shaking although his face continued to remain emotionless. “Please let me go.” His voice totally betrayed him and he cursed, this was the result of all the years his father had ‘punished’ him for being himself. He would’ve never admitted it but the ‘tough act’ was his façade, in reality Alec was a very fragile person, not that he would admit it.

Raphael immediately let go and Catarina smiled a little although it was not very genuine. She put a soft hand on Alec’s shoulder and although he didn’t begin shaking like a scared old lady, the touch wasn’t completely welcome either. “Let’s go set you up.”

Alec was silent for a moment before glancing at Carl one last time before beginning to follow the girl doctor. “See you later Carl.”

Raphael rolled his eyes and mumbled something about how Alec was being arrogant for giving Catarina the chance to touch him.

‘Sorry Raph, you’re definitely of the male species’ Alec thought as the woman let her hand slid off of him and he walked beside her. Honestly, he wished he could accept the touch of everyone, it would make life so much easier. He wouldn’t have used his self-defense on every innocent man that had attempted to hit on him and had decided to touch his shoulder.

She glanced at Alec observantly “, we’re going to have to go through the things you brought and have you change into new clothes. If it makes you more comfortable I’ll allow only females to work with you for today while you get settled.”

For the first time in a while Alec whipped his head to look at the woman with slight surprise on his face, how she knew from the shaking that he was skittish around men was beyond him, not many people took that as a sign of vulnerability when it came to him and his ‘violent ways’.

She smiled a little more genuinely this time with a hint of pride within her eyes “, I deal with a lot of patients who are troubled from abuse.”

That answered his question, without his façade he was quite easy to read it seemed, well only to this Catarina person, the other doctors seemed clueless. Raphael had ended up staying behind with the others admitted here while Ragnor followed them. Catarina turned her head to look at the other doctor “, Could you go get Lydia? We’re going to work with him today.”

Ragnor seemed hesitant for a few seconds before he nodded and walked away, its not like Alec could attack her, there were still officers walking through the halls, besides he actually thought he could get along with this woman somewhat. Hodge did always say, keep your enemies close but a possible ally closer.

“Come on we’ll go to your new room, you will have a roommate and by rule they have to be male but lucky for you the rooms are only for sleeping, you can roam the halls when we unlock the doors for breakfast.” Even if Catarina was aware that he was most likely insane she still talked to him as if he were a human being, it surprised him. It was probably why his siblings got him a spot here instead of a more run-down asylum. He was so used to being treated like an animal that it didn’t even occur to him that he was anything but that anymore.

“Who owns this facility?” Alec asked out of curiosity because they must be pretty good at what they do, if that is giving the mentally ill a little more humanity.

“Oh...I’ve never been asked that, the one who runs this place is actually someone I know. Magnus Bane.” Catarina knocked on a door before opening it before adding “, He is also a therapist here, why?”

Alec shook his head and looked into the empty room, it looked a bit simple and he actually liked it that way “, No reason.”

“you’re wondering why we treat everyone like they’re humans I presume?” she asked and he felt himself curious again how she had seen through him yet again, maybe it was her job.

“That’s not normal, I mean I did light my house on fire in attempts to kill my parents.” His arrogance and emotional expression poked out again in attempts to fix this misconduct in his image.

“Everyone has a reason for doing things.” She said a little more observant of him making him regret telling her he had tried murdering his flesh and blood, then again, this woman was supposed to fear him not casually chat with him about the weather.

“Okay give me those clothes so you can take all my life-threatening objects, I don’t want you to see me hung up and pretty on the first day.” Alec had never been good at jokes but he was a man of sarcasm, it kept life interesting in his opinion.

The usual reaction to his sarcasm was horror but instead Catarina smiled, her eyes sad as if she were remembering something painful. He really couldn’t beat this woman, she was way to observant and he was definitely thinking it was from a lot of experience “You remind me so much of someone.”

“I hope that’s a bad thing.” Alec said before looking away already beginning to tire from talking for so long, he almost never talked this much.

“Alright I can see how antsy you are so there are some clothes laying on the bed, change into them and I’ll have Lydia pat you down and make sure you’re not carrying any dangerous objects.”

Alec didn’t have to be told twice, he closed the door and began stripping, he was kind of glad he didn’t have to strip in front of others, woman or man, he didn’t want anyone to see what years of living had done to him. He had gashes on his back and chest, burns on his shoulders and arms, and the years of knife wounds found scattered across his whole body including the ones that had been self-inflicted.

Normally when he looked into the mirror while shirtless he was able to separate the emotions from himself just long enough to get through patching wounds and what not without feeling disgusted. When he finished dressing he couldn’t help but grab the last pack of cigarettes he had hid well in his pocket along with the small razor and stared at them before stuffing them under the mattress. He was already thinking of ways to use such things later within the week when his anxiety and impatient personality came out.

When he was finished dressing he opened the door before walking out in probably the most fashionable sweat pants he had ever seen in a prison, this Magnus Bane must be into fashion. “I am back to be patted down.”

Now that he was out of the room he was met by a new addition, a woman and Ragnor who were having a hushed conversation with Catarina. Lydia looked back at Alec and immediately he got this sense that they would either butt heads or get along perfectly, nothing within the middle.

“I will take a look at your things and then I’ll just do a quick pat down.” She slowly approached Alec with a very emotionally constipated constitution, it reminded him of himself.

“It’s just me, myself, and I. I didn’t bring anything with me.” He smiled and yet again it didn’t reach his eyes.

The girl snorted, the first signs of emotion “, Oh don’t even try that line with me, I hear it every day.”

Alec tensed and made a stone hard face, it was then he decided that they would most likely not get along and if they ever did, they would have a very interesting relationship. “I guess I made a mistake saying the most popular punch line around here then.”

Lydia seemed slightly amused “, Alright Lightwood, get inside the room so I can look around and see what you’re hiding already.”

Two could play this game, Alec smirked slightly and shrugged. “You caught me, I’m having an affair, there is another man in there. I should’ve told you about him.”

Catarina snorted and glanced over at them, even Ragnor and Lydia seemed amused. “Please, I’d like to meet him.”

Alec tried to come up with a comeback but he was blank for a few moments before he shrugged. “I’m sure Magnus is a busy person, wouldn’t want him to take time from his busy schedule to spend here.”

He was sure Ragnor chocked on his own spit which made Alec smirk slightly, Catarina glanced at Lydia before nodding “, You really are like that flirting idiot, I think it would do you good if we assigned him to you as a therapist. Now let Lydia in so she can rifle through your gay porn or whatever it is you’re hiding.”

Alec was now at a loss of words seeing as he was no longer amusing his audience and so he sighed in defeat before stepping back into his new home. “Whatever.”

Lydia gave a strained smile before pushing into the room already looking around the room spotting out possible hiding places, it wasn’t as if she were born yesterday so the first place she looked was the bed. Alec flinched and looked down, his confidence now out the door as the woman pulled out the cigarettes and razor from earlier.

“This is the best you could do?” She asked with a raised eyebrow, there was slight amusement and understanding if you squinted.

“I wasn’t really trying to hide it.” Alec shrugged still looking down, Lydia however had figured that it was a lie.

Lydia shook her head before taking the possessions and leaving the room. “He’s all yours.”

Catarina looked at the possessions and sighed softly, this was usually what they found from every new patient but it always disappointed her to still see even the funniest come into their facility and still hide such things. “We’re going to have you meet with your therapist tomorrow, let you settle in. He’ll be able to help you better than we will.” Catarina smiled before pushing the other doctors and employees away from the room. “We’ll always be near though and any therapist is always a call away in case you need to talk to them.”

Alec rolled his eyes seemingly having his confidence back once again, “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind doctor.”

It wasn’t too long until they all left Alec to his own mind and silence, which was a dangerous thing usually. His hell and torture were the thoughts always carousing his mind when things got quiet, its why he liked to hear himself talk so much, well at least he suspected so. Maybe this was him yet again trying to excuse himself for his transgressions and feelings.

A sound made Alec snap from his thoughts and his eyes sought out what had caused his loss of concentration. His eyes found a man, his hair black and curly with hints of faded blue within his bangs, the only conclusion being he was dying his hair before being put here. He had the soft definitions of tattoos on his face that defined flowers but they were partly covered by the small stubble growing on his face.

Alec found the male attractive yes but more so interesting and it seemed the man thought so as well. The man had a slight shy look within his eyes which made it easier for Alec to look at him. “Ah...hello? Who are you?”

The man seemed more content to approach Alec knowing he didn’t seem threatened with his presence but still kept a few feet between them. “I’m Meliorn, I’m staying in this room. Who are you?”

Alec looked back to the room the man had pointed at, their room it had seemed, at least he didn’t get a man that seemed arrogant, his brother Jace was already too much arrogance for him to handle already. “I’m staying with you it seems, I’m Alec.”

“Oh, okay. I told them I didn’t want a roommate, too shy.” The man replied and smiled softly, Meliorn seemed too honest for his own good and clearly, he didn’t seem crazy or in need of this place.

“I think that’s why they put me with you...I don’t like being around...men.” He said with slight discomfort, this wasn’t something he liked saying out loud much less sharing.

Meliorn’s eyes lit up and he sighed in relief, “We won’t have much of a problem being around each other then.”

“Seems so,” Alec gave a sound of agreement, he was becoming tenser as the seconds ticked by and he was looking for an escape, “Ahh. I think I’ll go look around a bit.”

The man just nodded and watched at Alec finally decided to leave his presence, it definitely seemed they wouldn’t be a bad pair though, both were socially constipated.

Once Alec was alone again he took the time to take better looks at the paint on the walls, the designs on the ceilings, the tiles on the floor, and the rooms with too much for the mentally insane. It wasn’t even that it was too much, it was the fact that he felt like  
he was staying in a hotel not a hospital. He supposed the more aggressive and criminal crazies stayed in a much worst place but he could only assume.

He was definitely scratching his head over the neatness and cleanliness of the place, it made him wonder and he found himself ever so curious over this Magnus Bane figure, his therapist evidently. “Such a peculiar place,” He whispered to himself, there was no doubt about it, this place was comfortable enough to be a home especially if you were raised as Alec had been.

“Magnus Bane.” Alec tested the words on his tongue and made a soft sound of approval, it had a nice ring to it. He had just gotten here and he was already so curious and suspicious about everyone here, even Meliorn. What struck him for a fool is the thought that he could feel his heart and body buzzing with excitement over it.

Not even the first day and he had become slave to his future fate and it seemed like it could be one hell of an adventure.


	2. Sparkles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a new character, Sparkles, and Alec continues to talk to Meilorn. Read to find out how Alec deals with things in this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it took me a while to finally post this, I have been binge watching Shameless these past few days. I'm a busy person besides that, I have a job and I'm going to college. but finally I got this chapter out, Magnus is introduced and its so obvious who he is but I still hope you like it.

Alec’s first night at the hospital had turned out uneventful, there were too many things about the place that he couldn’t get used to quite yet. Not only was he in unfamiliar territory, but he also couldn’t stop the small nightmares of his past from playing within his mind every time he closed his eyes.

Morning finally came after a long night of restlessness, he was surprised that Meilorn could even sleep with all of his bed shifting and groans from the sleepless night. Alec glanced over to the bed next to his to see the motionless body in peaceful slumber, that fact alone made the man wonder the reasons behind Meilorn’s institution. Alec sighed softly giving up on any sort of rest and got up, bags under his eyes and a deathly pale, despite his already white complexion. He glanced over to the other bed one more time before scoffing and grabbing the handle to the door.

It was 6 in the morning and the doors were unlocked, this was a very weird place. Alec slipped out the body sized crack in the door before looking around, he had led his own grand tour the other day and so he knew exactly where he wanted to go. His tired limbs drug him through the halls of the institute which landed him in front of the library where he smiled slightly, if nothing could save him from himself then books would.

The second he walked through the doorway he made a dash to the fiction part of the room, already skimming his fingers over the rows of books in dire need of reading. Alec had been in love with books since he was a kid, the imagination and creativity always kept him hooked and let him escape his own reality. Originally, he thought that coming here, the room would be filled with shabby books or ones he had already read; this however was a shrine for readers, he couldn’t wait to stick his nose into another book and learn every character.

He pulled one off the shelf and smiled, a classic his sister hated with a passion, The Lord of the Flies. She made Alec read it to her whenever her homework required it, it was his favorite book for sentimental reasons so he did not mind.

“That’s a good one, if you like that you may also like this as well.”

Alec jumped slightly having thought he was alone within the library “, Jesus Christ.”

“No not Jesus but thank you for the compliment.” The voice said again with amusement and Alec finally flipped his eyes up to the person who seemed to like invading his quiet place so early in the morning.

Alec blinked slightly and stared at the mans face, he wore the same stylish sweat pants as himself, the only thing that stuck out was the makeup on his face and gelled hair. He wondered just for a moment if the patients were given things like that here. After a moment of silence Alec turned his eyes down to the book in the stranger’s hand, The Great Gatsby.

Alec smiled slightly and reached out for the book, he had actually started the book before coming to this institute, he never finished it though. “Uh...can I take this?”

The man gave him a soft smile and nodded moving his hand closer. “Of course, I wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise.”

Alec made a soft sound and put the book he had already had in his hands back onto the bookcase, he then took the book the man offered and began flipping through the pages to the chapter he had last read. “Thank you...I’m going to go read this.”

He turned his back to the other patient before walking over to a clearing where there was a few chairs and tables set up. He sat in the one that looked most pleasing to him before he began the story again.

He slipped into the world of the book, he could see the house filled with flowers, the antics and clocks. The Mysterious house that lay across the river, night you could see the green light shining just slightly, everything felt so real to him, like it was his story. The man wasn’t naïve however, he knew what was his reality, what entailed his existence.

His eyes snapped up from the image in his mind when he heard the chair next to his make a soft sound, the stranger was back with a new book, one Alec had never read before. He silently stared at how tan the man was, he had a softness to his eyes that didn’t give away anything he was thinking and his lips were still worked up into a small smile.

“You know it’s rude to stare.” The man said softly without looking up from his book, Alec was glad though because he immediately stated blushing.

“I was not staring,” he said defensively and licked his lips before attempting to continue reading once again, it was a sad attempt however and so he gave up.

“If I was staring, why would it matter?” Alec asked and his eyes stayed targeted on the stranger next him.

The man finally looked up from his book, there was a spark of something in his eyes but he couldn’t tell the emotion. “It doesn’t, I am just curious about why.”

“You’re very...sparkly,” Alec confessed with a shy smile.

“I have gotten that quite a lot,” the man laughed airily before closing his book “, do you like it?”

Alec was at odds with himself, this man was literally asking if he found him good looking. “It’s...different, in a good way.”

He shrugged as if he knew that was all he would get from Alec and leaned back. “So, what shall I call you? I’d rather not call you pretty boy, that’s a bit unprofessional.”

“Pretty boy?” Alec raised an eyebrow with both confusion and interest. “I’m Alec, what about you? What shall I call you, sparkles?”

The man laughed loudly this time and shook his head “, It doesn’t matter, my name that is.”

Again, Alec was confused but he brushed it off, he understood the need to hide an identity. “Okay, so Sparkles, why are up so early?”

“I could ask you the same Alec, we all have our secrets,” Sparkles said with a smirk and a finger to his lips.

Alec smiled sheepishly and looked down at the way the man so magically waved his hands around as he spoke, it was like watching something interesting for the first time. “That we do.”

A few moments of silence with casual and blatant staring from both ends soon led the two men back to the couches with their books within hand, Alec would admit that he wasn’t paying much attention to the book. Everything about the patient in front of him screamed to be recognized and noticed, it definitely did not escape Alec’s eyes.

“You know if you took a picture it would last longer.” Sparkles looked up through his lashes and smirked slightly.

Alec sputtered but ended up rolling his eyes. “How am I supposed to take a picture if we don’t have phones?”

The man dug into his pocket before handing the device in question to Alec, who looked at him with confusion but didn’t ask anything. “Now you have one.”

Alec took it into his hand and licked his lips, wondering if he should play along, others normally wouldn’t feed into his personality. After a moment of self-thought, he turned the phone on, the lock screen was the man in front of him wearing very formal clothes, one could even say flamboyant, within his arms was a cat that looked less than pleased to be there.

Alec finally swiped the camera on the right side of the lock screen and positioned the phone so that he could see Sparkles in the camera. He took a few shoots before smiling smugly and leaned forward to hand the man his phone back. “I would give you my number so you could send those to me but sadly I do not have one so look at them and think of me.”]

“Oh Darling, now you’re just teasing me. How about when you finally get a phone you give me your number,” Sparkles smirked and stared at Alec as if it were a challenge, Alec accepted it with a slight blush.]

He hadn’t meant for things to get this far and the man knew as soon as thing got real or serious he would freeze up and panic because although he was exceptional at flirting with men, having said man advance past flirting was a sore spot. “You better live up to that, I may just have to give you my number now.”

Sparkles was about to say something when the intercom came on, “Mr. Bane, report to your station as soon as possible.”

Sparkles seemed amused and from the voice over the speaker, Alec could tell it was Catarina whom was speaking. Suddenly the man got up and stretched his muscles before glancing at Alec, “It was nice speaking to you Alec, I hope we have time to speak again soon.”

Alec was so concentrated on the speakers that when the man had spoken he had to take a deep breath seeing as Sparkles had moved without him knowing, “Ah...yeah see you around.”

As soon as Sparkles left he relaxed and sighed, closing his eyes and thinking back to their conversation. It took a moment but when he digested the whole length of their conversation he furrowed his brow. “No freaking way.”

Alec looked back to the library door and shook his head, there was no way Sparkles was Mr. Bane, then again it would make more sense. He again shook his head before laughing lightly, yeah it was just a stupid thought, a therapist would never openly flirt with a patient. He reflected upon the past few minutes before he got up and nodded to himself, not forgetting the book he was trying to read all morning.

When he poked his head out of the library he noticed that more patients were up as well, he glanced up at the clock hanging off the wall and hissed, he had spent two hours of his morning in the library talking to Sparkles. He finally slipped through the door and held his book close to himself as he made his way back to his room.

He was not expecting to be met with Meilorn still getting ready to get out of bed however. “You’re still in bed?”

The man rolled onto his back and groaned, his eyes half opened. “We’re not all morning people in this forsaken place.”

“I see that,” Alec said and placed his book onto his bed before standing stiffly, it was 8 in the morning and Alec was already done with any social activity. “I’m going to get breakfast.”

He made his escape with his last few words, not even waiting for a reply before he quickly sifted through people so that he could get to the café without being noticed too much.

Breakfast didn’t go as horribly as he had initially thought, he sat by himself without any nosy patients trying to sit with him, that also was because he was assumed to be intimidating with his height and glare. This made him wonder why Sparkles hadn’t found him intimidating, for him that was a first.

Once the hour was finished however, everyone started leaving all at once as the intercom came on, telling everyone to go met with their therapists or get into activity groups. Alec was new here meaning he had no idea what he was supposed to do, it felt like high school all over again.

If it weren’t for Meilorn he would’ve kept sitting where he was. “Hey, follow me, we have to go group up. The therapists and doctors will choose who they will take for one on one. The rest of us go talk in groups.”

Alec felt a bit anxious with this group thing, he was hoping that he would be lucky enough to get with his therapist today if the group thing was necessary.

“Don’t worry, just stick with me.” Meilorn smiled and waved his hand in signal to follow him.

Alec gave the man a strained smile before walking behind him as they made their way out of the lunch room and into the main halls again. A few halls down from where they were, it seemed the whole building was gathered, and stood waiting to be sent off to their designated areas.

Catarina, the doctor that had been kind to Alec, was calling off names and the therapists with whom those people would be seeing. He had given up all hopes of being called on until the woman yelled out his name along with the man he had been dying to meet, Magnus Bane.

Meilorn glanced at his roommate for a split second before walking off without him, when everyone had cleared it was only those who were called left within the big space.

Alec was a bit nervous, he again had no idea what to expect from this or whether he would find Magnus as a therapist useful to his emotional needs, his mind was interrupted however when Lydia approached him with that blank face of hers. He still didn’t know how to feel about her, whether it be good or bad.

“Alec, follow me, I will be taking you to see Mr. Bane.” Lydia said with a bland voice.

Alec only nodded before following close behind her, there was nothing to say to her, she was just as quiet as him.

They walked a few halls he had not ventured down yet leaving him clueless as to where they were, he would have to remember the directions later if he was to adventure a bit more. Further through the building, Lydia had to use her doctors’ card to beep them through doors Alec could only assume were not for patients’ eyes, but when they stopped at a door with the tag of his new therapist Alec felt his anxiety kick in again.

“I’ll be back to get you within an hour,” Lydia said before knocking on the door. “Magnus, your patient is here.”

Alec would have felt better if the woman had stayed but instead she turned and walked away as soon as she heard conformation that the man was inside of the room. This was the moment of discovery however, Alec had been anticipating since he had first said the man’s name. Who is Magnus Bane.

As the door opened Alec trained his eyes steadily to his front as if he would be able to see the man faster if he did so; however, what the door revealed was nothing sort of a surprise for Alec even if he had suspicions.

“Sparkles?” He was very unamused although it did makes sense now that Alec felt so relaxed around the man, he was a therapist after all, relaxing a patient that may cause problems must be a skill of his.

“Alec, it is so good to see you, I was hoping we would be able to finish that talk of ours.” Magnus seemed unphased with the idea that he had been hitting on a patent earlier, it suddenly irked Alec.

“You are my therapist?” He asked as he tried to replay earlier events without getting distracted by Magnus’ new outfit.

“Yes, is that a problem?” Magnus smiled sweetly and ushered Alec into his office.

“I suppose not, you do know you shouldn’t flirt with your patients though, right?”

“Was I flirting? I think of it more as, scooping out someone that has caught my eyes and Alec, you have definitely caught my eyes.” Magnus smirked and closed the door before walking back over to his chair.

“You’re very strange Sparkles,” Alec let out a sigh as he awkwardly walked to the chair in front of the one Magnus sat in.

“I do indeed like that name you’ve given me, it fits so well.” Magnus chuckled to himself as if laughing at his own joke, Alec wondered if this was a normal thing Magnus did with his patients.

“Well you know with the glitter and all, very...Sparkly.” Alec cringed at his own reply and hoped the earth do him a favor and swallow him whole. All of the spunk from the library had been drained on their conversation from earlier, now he would rather be smoking or damaging shit, Alec cursed, now he wanted a cigarette.

Magnus stayed silent for a second, full of amusement before humming and sitting down. “Sit down Alec, we have a lot to talk about.”

Alec did as he was told, glad that Magnus said nothing about his social awkwardness, “Yes it does seem that way.”

Alec felt a bit overwhelmed but he knew talking to Magnus as a therapist would mean talking about his past, he believed he was ready to open up a little but at the same time he wanted to say 'fuck you' and run away, ignore all of his problems. There was just something about the glittery man, he made Alec feel like he had before he was a messed-up kid, that could’ve just been the therapist in him though.

“Where do we start.” This was going to be torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, I know it was a bit short and fast paced, it is just the beginning however, I plan on making things more twisted, meaning longer chapters. Within the next chapter Alec will talk a bit about his past.


	3. Taking a step forward is painful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a small glimpse of Alec's childhood as well as his interaction with Catarina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever to finally post, I got busy with the Holidays and also got writers block but now I'm back again to bring you more adventures with Malec when I really should be asleep. Hope you enjoy!

“Mama!”

The browned hair woman with olive skin turned slightly but her eyes, you could tell that she wasn’t truly seeing, her eyes were glazed over from the alcohol and weed that had been brought over earlier. Two of the older gentle-man that had brought the supplies over were standing behind the small boy, first glance and you only saw regular men over at a friends to play poker with the family; however, a further look and the conclusion was nothing less than evil. Both men wore grins on their face as the incognizable woman staggered to her son, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“These men were really nice to mama and papa, make sure to repay them,” the woman smiled stupidly before turning unconcerned, the two men letting their sinful nature show as they tugged the boy up the stairs. The pain was horrific, if the two parents had been within their minds they would’ve heard their sons cries for hours.

Those nights were often for the boy, always crying with pain within the first 30 minutes until he was just numb everywhere, some nights he was quieter and giving, that wasn’t every night though. After the men would leave the small boy always cleaned himself up and shook from the soreness within his limbs.

He was glad his parents chose days that his sister was over at a friends’ house, he never wanted her to see him this way.

None of his siblings could ever know, his pride would not allow it.

\---

“Alec?” A soft voice sounded through his memory and he looked up with a sense of fear building in his throat, these were the types of things he would eventually have to speak about, he wondered if that could happen for him.

“Can I trust you?” the question was weak and almost silent but it acted as a silent cry that he wanted help from his own mind.

Magnus also went silent and analyzed his patient looking so wreaked, despite his overwhelming confidence within the library the man Magnus now saw was anything but confident. “You can trust me.” It was a simple answer, Alec didn’t need an explanation and it seemed Magnus knew just as much.

“There are things I haven’t told anyone, not the police, absolutely no-one.” Alec was still quite nervous about this whole ‘sharing’ thing.

“What you tell me stays between us, legally binding and because I am true to my word.” Magnus stayed steady and serious, his own way of making his point clear, Alec could indeed trust him.

“The reason I tried to kill my parents, there was just...so much more than my crazy brain, there was a reason.” Alec licked his lips and kept his eyes on the floor, which seemed preferable in his situation. He was thankful that Magnus was staying quiet though, Alec was about to admit something he had never said aloud and he didn’t need someone encouraging him to do so.

“My Parents are...evil for a lack of better terms, when I came out as...gay,” Alec flicked his eyes up for just a moment as he stated his own sexuality “, My father brought woman to the house first. He was quote on quote trying to fuck the gay out of me and so when that did not work it stopped for a while, he would smack me around whenever he felt but it wasn’t awful I actually would've preferred him to beat me up rather than that. It wasn’t until he joined a new company that he made these friends, they would bring drugs and alcohol. Both my parents would get so wasted and my mother always told me to reward the men that got them into such an unconscious state. That went on for years.”

Magnus had a steel face hiding his expressions but Alec could tell from the small glimmer in his eyes that he was disgusted, he wasn’t sure by what though, whether it be him or his experiences. “There’s more but I really don’t want your pity at the moment.”

Magnus seemed to shake himself out and he shook his head, “Not pity, sympathy.”

Alec looked more directly at his therapist and remembered that thing Catarina had said ‘You remind me so much of him’.

Magnus seemed to deeply sympathize, his eyes were lost somewhere and he could see the way Magnus swallowed roughly, it was times like these that Alec wished he knew the protocol for. He was curious, he wanted to know how Magnus sympathized with him but he did not know how to ask.

Magnus gave into a small sigh before leaning back into his chair, he was quiet for another moment as if he was trying to assess the right course of action. “So, you still tried to kill people which is attempt manslaughter, even if they did you wrong. I won’t ask anything of you, what you tell me is purely up to you but because you are in a mental institution I will be prescribing you with medication.”

Alec tensed, he had taken medications before, in his past experiences they weren’t fun. “What are you going to be giving me?”

Magnus wrote down a few things before looking back up at his patient. “I don’t think you’re bipolar so I won’t be giving you anything in that aspect but I can tell you suffer from acute anxiety and most likely depression. Most people who suffer from anxiety also have depression, this is a trial run though, to see how well you’ll do on the medications I’m giving you.”

Alec pondered for a moment, he could’ve said many things then but he had already agreed to himself to trust Magnus, to an extent. “Okay, but if I don’t like it you need to give me something else.”

“That’s why it is a trail run, don’t think of me as someone who is drugging you into obedience, think that I am only pointing you into the right medications so that you don’t feel miserable.” Magnus typed something into the computer in front of him followed by the loud noise of the printer.

Alec jumped slightly at the sudden noise, he kept a close watch on his therapist until alleged man held out the same papers he had taken from the printer. “Take these with you, later tonight someone will come in and give you the first two pills and if something feels funny then please get a nurse or security guard, they’ll help you out.”

Alec grabbed the papers and surveyed them before being satisfied, “Thanks.”

Magnus smiled a little, the man knew that was all he’d get from Alec but he seemed pleased none the less. “No problem Alec, I’ll see you soon.”

It was barely there but the tips of his lips pulled up slightly into a smile as he exited the office, his smile was son interrupted however when he was faced with Lydia’s stare, it could be more described as a glare though. “I’m here to transport you back to the main hall.”

Alec sighed dramatically and held his hands out liked he could’ve been getting cuffed. “I knew it was coming, take me boss.”

Lydia huffed with a bit of amusement before turning and walking back through the way they had come. “I’m not the boss.”

Alec hummed, seemingly disappointed, he had a bit of a grin on his face. “Then who is the boss around here?”

Lydia flitted her eyes towards Alec before facing forwards. “You just met him.”

“What? Magnus is really the big boss around here?” Alec was a bit stunned, the man did have a way with the patients but he was awfully strange. Magnus flirted with him, possibly already knowing he was going to be counseling him and proceeded to deny such allegations with more subtle flirting.

“Yeah, definitely the boss.” She opened a few doors, they could see several patients behind the last few doors but Lydia had stopped moving. “Magnus is very different but he’s good, very good at his job so don’t underestimate him.”

Alec felt a bit intimidated by the smaller woman and held his hands up. “Don’t get me wrong, I already agree with you, he just seems a bit...weird.”

“Yeah that too.” For the first time since Alec had met Lydia she had somewhat of a smile on her face, one of deep respect and caring.

\---

Moments after Lydia left him back within the main rec center he bumped into Meliorn who was with two other people, two woman who were holding hands and laughing about something. “Hey Alec, how was your therapy session? Heard you got Bane, he doesn’t usually choose patients to work with directly.”

Alec was a bit distracted with the two women but he wiped his head back up with confusion. “Magnus chose me?”

Meliorn shrugged and purged his lips slightly. “I overheard two doctors angrily discussing it, evidently they don’t like it.”

Alec rolled his eyes at the new discovery and huffed. “Whatever.”

Meliorn snorted before turning his head to the two girls. “Oh yeah, Alec, met Helen and Aline. Guys this is Alec my new roommate.”

The women finally looked his way and smiled excitedly, Aline offering up information about their discussions. “So, this is the Alec you’ve been talking about, Meliorn was telling us how surprised he was that you get along with one another.”

Meliorn flustered a bit but rolled his eyes a bit, Alec was not surprised though, normally those who were similar did not get along but, in their case, it worked perfectly. “Its nice to meet you two.”

“Us as well,” Helen agreed for the two of them and leaned against Aline. “We should hang out in the future.”

Alec shrugged and Meliorn smiled, happy that they were all getting alone. “Sounds good, now though I’m going to sleep, I am out of commute with all of these people flying around.”

Aline shivered dramatically, “Don’t I know, it’s probably time for us to get going too.”

Not long after saying their goodbyes for the time being Alec sighed and wondered back to his room, he was exhausted from the day already and it was just about lunch time. He felt like he would have to heavily work on talking to more people if he was going to survive the long talks with Magnus.

The moment he got into his room he faceplanted into the bed and closed his eyes trying to distract himself now that he was alone. One problem he had always struggled with is his double standard mind, he thrived by being alone and honestly hated people but he was overwhelmed by his loneliness and he wished he had more people he cared for.

Alec turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling, his self-contemplations always lead to himself being so numb and so he decided not to go down that road, he could do that further in the future. He wondered if this place could fix him, not for his crimes but for the void within his heart, Alec couldn’t remember when but along his journeys he had become this person that he couldn’t recognize or understand.

“Shit.” He cursed to himself and placed his arm over his face, the more he thought the more he felt himself lose the concept of his own feelings. Times such as these, he would wish of never being born and not because he was suicidal but because he had been brought up with all these ideals, ones that overwhelmed him. Alec was just 23 and he had already lived to his fullest, he had nothing left to give and he didn’t believe he ever would.

Alec finally sighed blowing everything out with his breath and closed eyes, trying to rest his now throbbing head. He succeeded for a while, his mind in between sleep and consciousness, before he was pulled from his peaceful state by a figure leaning over him. Immediately all of what Alec has been through flowed within his blood and he shot up, one hand gripping a piece of clothing from the figure that had been towering over him.

“It’s just me, calm down.”

Alec was breathing heavily and his other hand was above his head, ready to punch something or someone. His eyes cleared slightly and his body shook from the fading rush of adrenaline once he heard the voice, a comforting feminine voice. He let out a long breath before letting go of the woman and sat back onto the bed.

“Fuck don’t do that, I almost beat the shit out of you,” Alec mumbled and raked his hand over his face and looked up at the doctor.

“Sorry, Magnus told me you had new prescriptions that we needed to get in order,” Catarina stood above the patient with a strained smile.

Alec nodded in understanding before he realized, “That happens a lot here doesn’t it? You know, almost getting beaten when waking up...us.” there was no fun way to talk about his institution within a mental hospital and so it was much easier to say ‘us’ than ‘patients’, you could say he was still in denial.

Catarina shrugged and pulled a few papers from her side. “It happens quite a lot with trauma victims.”

Alec felt his skin crawl and not in a good way, this doctor kept assuming he had been through traumatic situations and she wasn’t even his therapist. “You keep saying that, what gives me away.”

The doctor was quiet for a moment as he stared into Alec’s eyes before saying anything. “Your hate of men, its not baseless. You’re also a very angry person which could be a coping mechanism or possibly resentment towards a man from your past, if so than it could’ve been an abusive relationship.”

Alec cringed, he shouldn’t have asked, she was too perceptive and instead of saying anything to make her comment set in stone he looked away.

She smiled sadly already knowing her answer from his silence, she then sighed and looked down to her papers, she could dissect his life at any moment but it wasn’t her job, that was Magnus’. “Alright if you have that paper Magnus gave to you I’d like to see it, from there we can start you on some medications.”

Alec rolled his eyes, their earlier conversation already forgotten. “Yay, time to drug me up.”

The doctor huffed, amused as she watched him take out the papers from his pocket. “Not drug you up, make you feel better, you won’t feel as miserable.”

Alec snorted, “Is that what you’re supposed to say or are Magnus and you just really good friends?” Catarina raised an eyebrow with question and took the papers from Alec who immediately clarified. “Magnus said the same ‘you won’t be miserable’ line.”

Her eyes lite up with understanding and she chuckled softly, “Now that he got from me.”

Alec looked down and smiled, since that morning he had had felt slightly better having finally confessed a bit of what was imprisoning him. “You know I met him in the library, I named him Sparkles because he wouldn’t give up his name which is understandable now.”

Catarina rolled his eyes and laughed softly, “That man has always been such a thorn in my side, did he flirt with you?”

Alec had meant to keep the fact that his therapist had flirted with him a secret but it seemed Catarina knew the man to well. “Yeah, he did. He has quite the personality.”

Catarina nodded and scanned the man in thought, she obviously knew something that he did not. “Yeah...anyways it looks like he wants to start you on a 900 mg dosage, if you need to go down in dosage or if we need to change the types of medication I recommend seeing Magnus or I to correct it.”

Alec nodded as he understood everything she relayed, he already knew that within the practice of medicine prescribing a drug, you were either given the max dosage or the lowest so that it could be tweaked to accommodate the needs of a patient. “I’ll make sure to do so,” he paused for a moment but the doctor sensed that the man had something on his mind “, Magnus, he’s the guy you’ve been comparing me to.”

Catarina was slightly amiss but there was a smile that enveloped her face, she knew the two of them could get along within the unknown future. “You remind me of Magnus when we first meet, it is almost scary how much resemblance there is.”

“How so?” Alec thought he might be able to learn more about his therapist through her but she seemed loyal to her friends.

“It’s not my place to give away his secrets, but I will tell you that where you are right now in life, Magnus has been there and it almost ruined him.” Catarina seemed to be reliving something through her eyes as she spoke.

Alec thought as well about all the things Catarina had spoken to him about, he was content with the amount of knowledge he had learned today. “Thank you, Magnus intrigues me.”

“Funny thing to say, Magnus has told me something along that line when speaking of his new patient.” Catarina was definitely a devious woman.

The man smiled as a sigh escaped his lips, he wanted to know every detail that would unravel the life Magnus had lived and not by the sudden silences or steel look his therapist would grace him with. As Alec continued to learn about this man, he realized that more and more his curiosity grew, one day just knowing may not be enough for someone like him. Until that time came however, Alec would stay the way he was, only scratching the surface of something new which he was content with. “I think you’re my favorite nurse Cat.”

The woman laughed with a softness that only a female could obtain, her smile held a bit of kindness that one would only share with part of the world. “Don’t let the other nurses hear you say those types of things, they may get jealous.”

Alec only shrugged but he couldn’t deny the smile that had become infectious. “They’ll just have to deal with it I guess”

Cat shook her head, the conversation finally hitting a dead end before she focused on the reason for her being there with Alec. “I’ll bring you your prescriptions after dinner ends, until then try not to accidentally put someone in a coma no matter who sneaks up on you.”

“Roger that Doc,” Alec felt better since talking to Cat, her aura cancelled out negative thoughts that had been lingering, he wondered if it was only temporary. He watched the back of her white coat as she strutted back into the hall.

It was silent once again, if anything from the past few days of making friendly banter with his peers had taught him anything it was that he finally understood the depths of his emptiness.

Even though he was surrounded by so many people, so many welcoming faces, he had never felt lonelier within his adulthood. The reasons behind this feeling were so complex that it confused him for the longest time, now though he felt like the pieces were beginning to fit.

Alec laid back in bed, there was another time in which he felt like this, it was so far within the past that he had forgotten; however, it was situations as these is made even the most innocent of memories forgetfully.

Behind every happy memory contained pain, enough pain to last many life times.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this far, hope you enjoyed this chapter


End file.
